Days Of The Neverasneeza
by Aman'mai
Summary: A spoof/crossover/wacky fic I wrote with my brother when on a major high... looking over this, I thought I should post it, so here it is!
1. Default Chapter

A Wacky Matrix "What-if"/"Just In Case This Happened" Kind of Fic.  
  
Co-written with my bro, Fitz, which I think is a rather "fitting" name for him to go by (yes, that was another bad pun from the Queen of Bad Puns). Beware of really crazy stuff. We're not normal at the moment.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Wot plugged in.  
  
Immediately he ran outside into the fresh air of the Matrix, twisting around he realised that his jacket had split at the back even further than he'd thought.  
  
"Damn . . ." Wot thought to himself, "looks like I'll have to pay another visit to . . . *drum roll* the TAILOR!" (da dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum).  
  
Wot was about to do a SPECTACULAR STUNT (his "Superman thang") but remembered just in time, that any SPECTACULAR STUNTS like that would surely split his precious even further . . . no, he must be contented to walk there.  
  
And so he set out . . . carefully ignoring the guy in the red drag.  
  
*****Split to the Neverasneeza*****  
  
"Whatchoo doin' know, Wot?" whispered Voltz to himself, the newly recruited navigator of the Neverasneeza.  
  
Yodeus strode in.  
  
"Our young one , is doing what, wonder I," he said over Voltz's shoulder.  
  
"Gyah!" jumped Voltz, "Don't creep up on me like that, you mini freak! And what happened to Morph?"  
  
"Indisposed, He is." Yodeus slowly tapped the tips of his fingers together in what Voltz gathered as a very patronising manner.  
  
"Whatdayameen? You killed him!"  
  
"Having the day off, he is." Voltz narrowed his eye.  
  
"And where is Salinity, may I ask?"  
  
"Having fun, she is," Yodeus tapped his nose, "be disturbed, she must not."  
  
"Fun? She's having fun? Those Senile, nile, le . . . Seni . . . whatchamacallits that are gonna kill us all in ten minutes! And them with all those weird tentacles and arms and things and waving underpants . . . !"  
  
"Underpants?"  
  
" . . . are chasing us all over . . . over . . . this place! And . . . and . . . and . . . there gonna kill us! There gonna frickkin kill us ALL! And then torture us by," Voltz voice dropped to a conspiratory whisper, " wrapping us all in UNDERPANTS!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Voltz began running around in circles.  
  
-Let it be noticed that the ship, miraculously, by millions of chances to two, did not hit a single thing during this little charade without its driver at the helm.-  
  
Yodeus stuck out his arm.  
  
Voltz suddenly began to lie on the floor and writher in pain, clutching his . . . well, by Yodeus' height, I'm sure you know, and by your anatomy classes, where old Yodeus struck. Hard.  
  
Yodeus looked sadly down upon the diminished form of Voltz.  
  
"I thought you were the Navigator?"  
  
Voltz lifted up his weak head, "My sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's, flatmate got me into this job . . . I wanted to make my sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's flatmate proud."  
  
Yodeus shook his head once more and kicked Voltz unconscious in one smooth motion.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Oh!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Ahh!"  
  
"Score!"  
  
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!"  
  
Salinity flicked her short hair back from her face while one strand of it trailed down to her luscious lips, stepping back from her dominated other, she sighed with great satisfaction.  
  
"Alright, man! 1001-Nil! Anyone up to challenge the champ??"  
  
She turned around to the geeky teenagers standing at the pool table, "You wanna play me? I'll put down 50 bucks if you beat me."  
  
The teenagers quickly shuffled out of the room.  
  
Yodeus entered, giving the terrified teenagers a slightly sympathetic glance before standing as imposingly as he could, blocking the doorway.  
  
"Too hasty, you are. Interesting offer, I have." He pulled one of the traumatised nerd to a corner and whispered quickly in the boy's ear, "If you want to live, with me you must come . . ."  
  
The boy nodded emphatically to Yodeus' offer and hurried to join his friend in their escape from the short green dude who had just grabbed him by the balls.  
  
"What was that about, Yodeus?" asked Salinity.  
  
"Needed new Navigator, we did, best choice, he was." Replied Yodeus.  
  
"What? But what happened to Rat?"  
  
"Replaced by Voltz after he got cornered with a pair of underpants."  
  
"What is all this about underpants these days? I mean, we have weirdo's who . . . "  
  
" Run around in circles yelling 'THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL!' ?" finished Yodeus.  
  
"How did you . . .?"  
  
"Yodeus, I am, the prophecy, I know."  
  
Suddenly a muffled yell came echoing from the depths of the Neverasneeza.  
  
"Another prochecy? Are you mad??? The last one nearly killed us all!!!! With underpants!!!! Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!" a rapid sound of pattering feet followed with a very loud CLUNK.  
  
Salinity looked to Yodeus who shrugged.  
  
"I haven't actually been able to drug him effectively lately, poor guy."  
  
"Rat?"  
  
"No, the other one."  
  
"Thank?"  
  
"No, the one before that."  
  
"Oh, you mean the one with the shiny top and the weirdo glasses that didn't fall off his nose even though they only sit on his nose, balancing precariously? That guy . . ."  
  
"Yeah, him."  
  
A loud banging came from below.  
  
"Yes! I am the guy! A guy! Any guy! Yes! And the prophecy is fulfilled through my guyness! Through that other guy! Who's a guy too! Yet we are all different with a different part to play! But I am not different! No! UNDERPANTS! Yes! I am a guy! With underpants! Murderous underpants . . . But he is the Guy! Or is it the other way round??" the continuous banging resumed continued with a disconcerting low whistle and a bloopBANG F# Bb G.  
  
Yodeus looked to Salinity, "He has started to bang his head on the walls repetitively if he can't get and idea through it . . . it hasn't worked so far, thankfully. Ah well, he won't be doing that again . . . I think I just found out where my safe spot for my grand piano is."  
  
"What happened to your speech impediment?"  
  
"What speech impediment?"  
  
"You know . . . think I do, I will."  
  
"What? Oh that, it got tiring, plus, Aman'mai and Fitz can't be bothered to type that way all the time, and it makes me sound stupid so I lodged a formal complaint."  
  
"Good, how the union can fix that up for us like that."  
  
"Yes . . . now where has the plot gone to, I wonder?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: Will we ever get to the main plot line? Is Wot ok? What the hell is wrong with all these characters? And what kind of name is Salinity? Will Yodeus get his speech impediment back yet? And where the hell is Agent Swiss? Tune in next time for another wacky go at the wacky Matrix story!!!!! 


	2. The Pessimistic Pineapple Pie, don't ask

A/N: The Queen Of Bad Puns and Fitz (the 12 yr old hyperactive WonderBoy!) brings to you the second instalment of.  
  
*Drum roll*  
  
THE DAYS OF THE NEVERASNEEZA!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Chapter 2: The Pessimistic Pineapple Pie.  
  
After carefully dodging several attempts of the guy in the red drag's, Wot came to the front door of THE TAILOR!  
  
Whereupon, he entered, pushing the door open as he did so, so as not to ruin his precious with a SPECTACULAR STUNT! Pausing, Wot wondered where these strange angelic voices came, echoing his thoughts of major plot devices.  
  
Whereupon he met . . . THE TAILOR! 'Damn,' he thought, 'Looks like I'm stuck with them.'  
  
"Yo Wot, my man! Hope you bin doin' right? Right?"  
  
Wot shook his sorrowfully and THE TAILOR! saw the tear in his coat.  
  
"So that's why nobody's seen you doing those . . . them . . . whachamacallits . . . spectacular stunts of yours." Wot looked affronted.  
  
"It's SPECTACULAR STUNTS!, T.T. It's how you say them, please, just do me a favour."  
  
THE TAILOR! sighed. "Very well. But it'll take a while. The O.R.A.C.L.E. wants me to get this load of washing done, she's got a new Kid and he hasn't learnt the basics of a human body yet, assuming he's not human of course. The fact that his two human years old kind of makes it difficult to tell and the O.R.A.C.L.E.'s not telling."  
  
"Isn't it easier just to say Oracle?"  
  
"She likes the acronym."  
  
"Acronym?"  
  
"Our All-knowing Regular that Craps on Like an Eggplant."  
  
"Eggplant? Why . . . ?"  
  
"That's what I said." The TAILOR! didn't seem like he was going to say anything else but started to look quite dangerous, despite being such a weedy, nerd-like acne-attacked stunted teen gone anime.  
  
Wot looked sideways.  
  
The TAILOR! glared menacingly.  
  
The following kung-fu/tai-chi/karate/kendo/taekwondo/judo/sumo/and-other- martial-art-orientated fight scene was cut from scripting due to Wot's insistence that it would be pointless for the plot and the TAILOR! especially since the rip would just get bigger and his . . . precious . . . would just end up taking longer to fix.  
  
"I'll be back." Wot whispered to the still glowering TAILOR!  
  
Rushing to a nearby alley (without the SPECTACULAR STUNTS of course), Wot pondered deeply on his current predicament.  
  
What would he wear now?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Where'd all these wires come from anyway? You'd think they'd keep them all out of the way so we wouldn't cut the power every time we flew this damn thing," said Connex, the twentieth navigator to board the Neverasneeza.  
  
"Think you must not. To drive, you will. Your job, it is," murmured Yodeus emphatically whilst staring determinedly at some point out of the window - he sensed a disturbance in the Matrix.  
  
Salinity sauntered onto the bridge and lay her arm against Connex.  
  
"Hello, Con," she whispered seductively in his ear.  
  
"Sorry, Sal. I'm not a guy for leather." He shot back at her leaving her with a hurt look on her face.  
  
Squeaking back to her seat she complained loudly to Yodeus.  
  
"Why the hell do I have to wear this, Yods? I'm sick of squeaking every time I move and these coats! Why aren't they shorter or tighter around the shoulders? They piss me off. Every time I try a high kick or some back flip to knock out the bad guys I end up with my coat over my eyes and the Agents whistling at me to wear hotpants!" She drew a deep breath. And then exhaled quickly before she turned blue.  
  
Yodeus waved his hand impatiently.  
  
"Right to complain, you have not. Return to this speech impediment, I must. They want, the fans." He shook his head sorrowfully, "Good, you look, in the very least."  
  
"Paws off, shrimp." She sneered.  
  
A voice echoed throughout the bridge from the basement, shrieking and laughing as the dis-chords of Beethoven's Fifth made the crew cover their ears.  
  
Connex looked imploringly at Yodeus who shrugged.  
  
"Hide the piano well, I must not have. Enjoys the music, he does."  
  
They all cringed as Heart and Soul was cruelly twisted into something that sounded more of an Imperial March than a love song.  
  
"Was that . . . ?"  
  
"Yes," Yodeus nodded sadly, "Yes, survived, he did. His mind did not."  
  
Salinity dove for the door and blocked Connex's path.  
  
"Too late, it is young one. The Neverasneeza, you belong to now. Your stay, you will Enjoy."  
  
The last word seemed to rebound inside Connex's mind . . . and they started to sound more and more like the word Doom than 'enjoy' the more he thought about it.  
  
Connex shuddered and threw a dirty glance at Salinity.  
  
"Bite me," she said seductively and wiggled her tongue at him.  
  
"Not in this lifetime, Sal," that comment would have earned him at least a week's worth of cold shoulders.  
  
He grinned. If he could get out of her way than maybe his "stay" wouldn't be too bad. Then again, the word Stay had just started rebounding in his head along with Doom/Enjoy and was beginning to sound a bit Death Sentence- y.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the middle of a busy street, ignored by passers-by because of their plot relevance there were two figures in shining white gooey stuff floating slightly above the ground. Around five to ten centimetres, any casual observer would note, or wouldn't note as everyone in the Matrix at the time had orders not to look at the pair that were nonetheless floating five to ten centimetres of the ground, or two to four inches if you want it in Imperial. But then, in these times, it's best to go with the Metric system as so many countries are using it now and it is so much more modern. Personally, the author's haven't been to a lot of places but they know for sure that Australia uses the Metric system and finds it much more easier to understand than the Imperial system but that would be getting off the storyline and we really woudn't want to do that would we?  
  
Twin1 looked to Twin2.  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Twin2?"  
  
The other looked at his partner and smiled excitedly.  
  
"I think I am thinking what your thinking, Twin1."  
  
"IT'S TIME-TO-STUFF-UP-THE-MATRIX- AND-THE-WORLD-AS-WE-KNOW-IT TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
They grinned happily and skipped around in circles, holding hands.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
You like? I bit crazy, I think, but then this is a totally random story. And it's a complete mockery of the seriousness of the Matrix but sometimes you've got to look at the funnier things in life. Don't you think?  
  
Ah yes, and pardon the Bananas in Pyjamas ref. 


End file.
